© americanifesto / 場黑麥
When I see an attractive woman who I get the feeling might find me attractive too, my chi tends to slam up into the 6th chakra from where it normally resides in the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. Instead of approaching her and saying hello, as my lower nodes are telling me to do, a voyeuristic and deeply insecure part of me pulls inward and launches a furious attempt to calculate just how much she might like me as well as how best to get her to not like me. The bundled chi energies start heating up my physical flesh from the eyebrows on backward, the 3rd eye area, as I strain to think of something to say to her. Women pick up on this immediately, fleeing from sickly waves of needing, wanting, yearning energy that lash from the yet-shadowy depths of what, in short, is a pocket of pain. I’ve come to understand, with time and conscious effort, that in the left-rear quadrant of the 6th chakra lives my ego, or at least a fear-body that kicks in if when encountering women I allow these strong yin to overwhelm the yang of the 6th. This pocket, a largely Read Only Memory part of my consciousness, was in early youth hijacked by irrational forces, should my recollections hold true. If the hijacker was an outside party, it could have arrived during a spell of fever-dreams around age nine or ten. In one of these dreams, I became aware of a brilliantly white space of indeterminate size - the Great Vast Crushing Nothingness mentioned in earlier works. My sense of self was in extreme flux, shrinking and growing from infinitely large to impossibly small, sometimes both simultaneously; and into this space appeared a being not of my own design, a vaguely humanoid figure that appeared in front of me before rising up and to the left of my field of vision. This entity spoke to me not with words but feelings, a sense of tremendous and all-reaching power. (I have no strongly negative memories of this dream / visitation, rather ones of gut-wrenching and paralyzing awe.) If this pocket started as an autochthonous formation, however, I suspect it festered into existence in those first teenage years in Germany when the ‘rents were on poor terms; I was struggling with learning the language yet still going to school in it as well as learning to play the trumpet with my teeth in braces; and my few friends and I were on a collision course with catastrophe. I internalized a lot of loneliness and self-loathing during that time, venting it as my teens progressed in ever fool-hardier ventures. Whether by either of these two ways, or by another, the dominance of this pocket of pain is shrinking in direct correlation to a growing self-awareness helped along by spiritual and meditation work done on the Island of the Gods. Through impartial observance and daily practice, its strength will diminish further - if my good fortune holds, that is.
© americanifesto / 場黑麥
blog updated Fridays, usually
I bicycle, write, surf, and strive.