I think I saw you the other day in Sawtelle Japantown in the company of a young man. Bully on you for finding someone with whom you’re willing to spend your time! Is this new relationship the reason you have effectively ghosted from my life for the last three months? I reached out to you when I first got to LA back in September (in a truly sorry and wretched state, I admit) because I needed a friend, I enjoy your company, and I hold you in the highest regard. I would never have imagined tainting what friendship that you and I have managed to maintain these last many years - through independent effort - by trying to suddenly make a move on you the first or second time we were in the same room together after not having seen each in like a hundred weeks.
Was there ever a chance of you and me getting together romantically? From my perspective, for as long as we’ve been talking, you never expressed any interest in anything other than friendship with me, which you however now appear poised to give up on, as well. If I would have known that showing up to those Koreatown coffee shops was going to be my audition for a leading romantic role in your life, I would have waited until I was settled in the jobs I have now and my self-esteem was a bit higher before trying to meet up. That’s how life is, I suppose, but it saddens me deeply that I never screwed up the courage to asked you to date me and you never said - jokingly or seriously - anything like “If you were to maybe ask me out on a date that would possibly be OK”.
The reason I’m writing you this is because I love you and I don’t want to casually discard the concept of being friends with you. It seems that an active friendship with me doesn’t fit into your world right now, however, which breaks my heart but which I am powerless to change. In truth I have nothing left to lose: if you respond to this positively and do in fact want to see me again to discuss options and potential futures, great for us both. (I give myself about a 4% chance of this happening.) If you don’t respond soon or ever, I’m in the same boat I’m in now, with little to show for my years of effort. (This latter outcome is about 96% certain.) During the last decade I’ve been abandoned by women I deeply cared about, and I’m sick and tired of keeping quiet and just letting go of relationships as if nothing had ever happened. Consider this lette me “Raging against the dying of the light.” Regardless of how you decide to proceed, I wish you the best in all future endeavors and hope you find adventure, balance, completion, and joy. Perhaps you’ll spare a few moments at some point in the future to reach out to me with a kind word or two. You believed in me at a pivotal time in my life and effectively launched my professional writing career, for which I am eternally in your debt. Thank you.
Best wishes and love, X
[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]