Category: Grigovia

amah, the mystery

12/12/2013

We see it in livestock from Pryaghdoyest, as well as in wooden goods carved in the west. It sparkles in glass made from the Great Dune Sea; it vibrates in fiddles played perched on the knee. We taste it in homemade stews like arght and tchuirff, we praise it when landlocked Grigovians surf. It always surprises, it's never too much, we're never without it – so far does it touch. The Uzbeks don't have it – a pox on their lands! – it cannot be purchased or squeezed out of glands. It guides now the actions of honest and brave, it blesses the virtuous – girl king or slave. It fuels and forgives us, it helps us know right, we live in its shadow, we dress by its light. To find it stop looking, to know it know not, it fits neither pigeonhole, cranny, or slot. Instead strike a balance, reduce what you need, want nothing but freedom from sickness and greed. By these simple guidelines you too might yet be, amah the all-powerful great mystery.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

valiant lovely Nuuzstathena

12/10/2013

Gaze north on a clear night from eastern Nuuzsh Gar, and look for the light that floats but is not star. With keen eyes you'll glimpse it (rejoice! it's good luck) the maiden picks wisely – not any old schmuck. Have done then with seeking, cast no further glance: the goddess is quick to lash out with her lance. She doesn't mind peeking but hates those who stare, at her shining breastplate and resplendent hair. The winds are her vessel, in dunes she resides, she calls forth the new moon, comfort she provides. She curses the greedy, blesses those who share, has made great kings cower with her flashing glare. Her wards are the artists and weavers and they, who charge into battle their foes there to slay. Look not at her Gorgon's head that Hercule won, or you'll turn to marble-stone and weight a ton. Her trusty companion is burrowing owl, who rides the high thermals always on the prowl. She watches us mostly, touches here and there, sometimes she is brutal always she is fair. To praise her be crafty and industrious, avoid wasteful shortcuts and don't make much fuss. Her feast-day is one week past Mid-Winter's night – spend time with friends, eat well, right wrongs, light a light. She welcomes all comes, from near and from far, fair goddess, wise patroness: Nuuzstathena!

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

soup saves solar

12/3/2013

Building on years of research conducted at solar farms from Qatar to New Mexico, scientists at schools such as the Eastern Grigovian Technical College (EGTC) now store the sun's energy in thick stew. Unlike other solar reactors that sequesters the rays of Sol in molten salt, the Grigovian system uses rich broths filled with nutritious seasonal ingredients such as carrots, beets, leeks, parsnips, and garlic. Sociologists praised the decision to use edible liquids, saying that such systems could be used to both fight hunger and store sustainable energy. “It is delicious,” said Theggorast Yu'uyendt, professor of poverty studies of Pylta the Terrible University, while eating his third bowl of tchuirff and yellow curry goulash. A mobile version of the system is in development for use in areas stricken by natural disasters or wherever access to piping hot, tasty soup threatens to be disrupted. “The system was originally built to run on plain water,” said Y'annina Hourthogarst, 19, of University of Grigovia, Gar Nuuzsh, “but someone loaded it with an assortment of tasty tubers and healthy herbs, and it not only stored solar power more efficiently but via swift circulation and high heat made a delectable stew. Fascinating.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

yucca leaves shoot

12/1/2013

With similarities including ones of climate and geological composition the Grigovian High Plateau hosts readily plants from America's Southwest. Amorphously clustered plots seeded with agave already parallel Highway 7 as it bisects the Glorious Republic from Iysh to Pryaghdoyest, and yucca stalks are joining them – a useful and hardy variety is the soapstone yucca; at least a dozen local cooperatives in Gar Nuuzsh are employed in pounding the soapstone's root for soap and shredding its bark for fire-starters. And the redolent evergreen shrub salvia arkangelskiya grows thickly throughout the Arid High Plateau and is closely related to salvia apiana, the holy bee sage. Local histories resound with stories of its healing abilities. Grigovia flourishes under the weight of liberty. Syntathena be praised, deep is the bounty of the land. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia employs seniors

11/21/2013

Reluctant to lose the collective knowledge of its aging generations, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently established the Wisdom & Heritage Institute (WHI) at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. At the Institute, knowledgeable persons older than sixty years are invited to share their wisdom and talents with the general public in a structured, scholastic environment. “We have much to learn from the people who came before us, from patriots who fought for their freedom against both Nazi and Soviet,” said Derogast Olyindt of the Center for Graceful Aging, a private charitable organization. He continued, saying, “For too long have we let them rot away, alone and sad, in elder-care facilities. I applaud efforts currently under way to engage with individuals of such value.” Classes will be held on the campus of WHI, a refurbished former industrial site on the Yalung River with spectacular views of the distant, towering Yiptlong massif. “These our latest efforts were born primarily from American and European studies,” said Dr. Hueiyue Yen, head of geriatrics at Grig's own Yündlennd Healing Hospital. “Additionally, numerous meta-studies show that when an older person is valued by his society for more than his ability to die slowly in a nursing home, he leads a healthier, happier, and more independent life, right up until its end.”

A majority of the curricula at the Wisdom and Heritage Institute will focus on vanishing native arts such as basketry, storytelling, animal husbandry, and celestial navigation. A few senior citizens have signed up to teach martial arts, wilderness survival skills, yoga, cat-burglary, and bicycle repair on-the-fly. (The Institute apologizes that these courses filled up within hours of becoming available; it invites elderly persons with experience in these fields to come teach.) In addition to classes, WHI will hold workshops in which older mentors will be paired up with and guide their younger counterparts along life's twists and turns. Once again, the organizers of the Institute mined primarily American and European studies for methods to combat mental decay and physical atrophy among older citizens.

Classes are provided free of charge once applicants submit detailed declarations of purpose written on no fewer than three pages (single-spaced and using the font type Heraldic New). The Institute aims to build camaraderie amongst all strata of Grigovian society while serving as a breeding ground for new ideas and a safe place to test them out. “Students should not expect formal testing, rote memorization, or chalk on blackboards,” said Mrs. Hilde Wendoyend, PhD., head of the Ministry of Education, a co-sponsor of WHI. “What they should expect is the unexpected: making blood stew from goat freshly slaughtered or learning how to pick a pocket while juggling, skills the average person can use on a daily basis.” Donations to the Wisdom and Heritage Fund, which helps to finance the WHI, can be made On-line or dropped off at any branch of the Grigovian National Bank. For more information about being a student or teacher at WHI, please contact your local censor.

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eighth veil pierced

11/7/2013

Following a centuries-old Grigovian tradition of feting any person who successfully locates and masters all eight Challenges of Skill & Mastery, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia today celebrated Yuoyest Uouiyind, aged 14, of Pryaghdoyest. Located each year at different spots around this landlocked Central Asian nation, each Challenge of Skill & Mastery can be reached only on foot or horseback, and participants have from All Hallow's Eve until Second National Independence Day on November 20th to locate and beat them. The final act of each Challenge is to symbolically pierce a veil, which in times past meant using a sword or dirk to cut a hole in a piece of hanging cloth but which today involves not cutting but hacking into one of several websites listed at the individual locations. Ms. Uouiyind is the youngest contestant ever to win the title of Skilled Mistress of Challenges; she studies neurobiology and mathematics at the Che Guevara Secondary School for Biology in her hometown in southern Grigovia. Reports speak of impromptu parades across Grigovia in the young lady's honor, although the state parade is scheduled for noon on this coming Saturday along the Avenue of the Victims of Imperialistic Oppression in beautiful downtown Grig.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

regional relationships reinforced

11/5/2013

As part of a yearly tradition of walking mountain passes before winter snows set in, a group of Grigovian luminaries and elected officials visited its main border crossings. At the main border crossing into Turkmenistan, they met with delegates of that country's tribes-people and religious leaders, and shared in a great feast under canvas tents. At the main border crossing into Afghanistan, they were greeted by their Afghani neighbors with great kindness, and after another joyful feast exchanged gifts of silver and gold. And at the main border crossing into Iran they met with imam and Revolutionary Guardsman, scientist and scholar, some of the brightest and wisest of Iranian society. Long into the night, the neighbors discussed events in their region and around the world, pledging to bring their findings before their legislative bodies and stand strong in the face of Ynki imperialism. Talk turned to creating a common currency, and to strengthening cultural ties and jointly improving regional roads to facilitate regional trade. May the gods bless the Banoyend and their generous and peace-loving neighbors. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on curing SAD

10/31/2013

For nearly a century, Grigovian researchers puzzled over the abnormally large numbers of depressed people living in deep valleys high up in the Yiptlong Massif. Some blamed the soured spirits on economics or politics or religion, but a few tenacious scientists began to see patterns in their data, patterns that cut across economic and religious and political lines. Was something in the water fouling the collective mood? they asked, and, Could the cause be genetic? Questions vanished with the discovery of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a condition brought about primarily by insufficient exposure to sunlight. In the wake of SAD, tanning salons in Grigovia's larger cities did a brisk business, but persons living in outlying areas remained depressed, sullen, withdrawn, and grumpy. Plans were drawn up to install artificial sunlight delivery units in public baths in regional population centers throughout Grigovia's higher elevations, but the projected maintenance and electrical costs involved were deemed too high. Then, however planners heard about a Norwegian town installing arrays of sun-tracking heliostats on the tops of the hills that used to shield it from the light of Sol, and they raced to set up copycat operations on Grigovian soil. The first bank of sun-tracking heliostats has been installed 15 kilometers north-west of Grig in the town of Phuir, where it now redirects, on sunny days, a constant stream of bright sunlight onto the town's central square. Local health officials indicate that, at least among the town's elderly persons wheeled out into the square on cloudless days, moods seem to be lifting. More on this story as it develops. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on the atlas

10/25/2013

As an essential tool in the ongoing shaping of the fictitious Central Asia nation of Grigovia, I drew of it a map. And while adding the final touches to this map, in order to correctly determine its bordering states, I consulted a pre-Unification Diercke Weltatlas (world atlas) from my days at the Gymnasium in Germany. I had forgotten how fascinating it was to look at an atlas, at my leisure to follow the contours of a random chunk of the Siberian landscape, to examine the living conditions in and population data for a township in Apartheid South Africa, to puzzle over a detailed and colorful analysis of the economy of Argentina in the 1989. Only with effort did I remembered my task, flip to the proper page, and write down Iran, Afghanistan, and Turkmenistan. My task completed, I looked back at the atlas fondly and appreciated it for having no bright display, no DSL uplink, no spyware, no malware, no netbook battery indicator counting down the minutes, no Tumblr feed to scroll through, no email to answer, no hyperlink to follow – that for ten minutes of my life on a Tuesday evening it was just me and a 20-year old book filled with pictures of countries, some of which no longer exist.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

biodiesel program initiated

10/24/2013

Citing concerns about the long-term feasibility, fundamental morality, and ongoing reliability of shipments of oil from Saudi Arabia and natural gas from Russia, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia began the process of shifting its motor-pools to biodiesel. “For too long we have ignored a fuel source that is renewable and that we grow here at home, preferring instead products sold by authoritarian regimes,” said Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, Grigovia's prime minister. “With help from foreign and local experts and funded by sizable investment in the research and development of biodiesel technologies at our major universities, we expect Banoyend to have thrown off the yoke of foreign petrochemical by beginning of next decade.” One major stipulation of the Mandate for Energy Independence, or MAENIN, is that a majority of the plant material used to make Grigovian biodiesel come not from dedicated biomass but rather from waste such as rotten or spoiled or insect-ravaged crops, tree trimmings, construction and industrial wood-tailings, fallen leaves, and residential grass clippings. “Our preliminary research shows that the local timber and construction industries alone produce enough leftover wood scraps to provide biodiesel for half of Grigovia's government motor pool,” said Ryain Uloyenst-Hong, an American-Grigovian professor of applied sciences on sabbatical from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). “Once we prove its feasibility and economy by converting our military and government vehicles to run on this native-grown fuel source, we plan to make it available across Grigovia,” said Theorovask Iyend, public liaison for the country's Interior Ministry. “In just a few years, at major fueling stations from Pyltagrad to Gar Nuuzsh, from Pryaghdoyest to Iysh, the Grigovian will be able to recharge or refill her vehicle with renewable electricity from solar and wind, imported gasoline, or local biodiesel. Huzzah.” Persons interested in brewing their own biodiesel should visit the Interior Ministry's website, where they will find detailed blueprints for building a biodiesel distillery, safety guidelines, and links to public funding sources. MAENIN is the newest phase in Grigovia's efforts to ween itself off fossil and non-renewable fuels. Over the past two years it has increased its energy production from geothermal and wind sources to cover 30% of national demand.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian delegation recalled

10/22/2013

Citing the official classification of drone strikes as crimes of war, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) ceased diplomatic relations with the United States of America. “So long as Mr. Obama insists on the extra-judicial and illegal killing of persons in sovereign nations around the world, Grigovia shall view him as hostile to peace, freedom, and justice,” said Dr. Eiyast Hyuyend, foreign minister of GROG. “Our nation deals only with regimes that foster cooperation and compassion amongst peoples, not with those that use flying death-robots to wantonly destroy lives, hope, and peace.” Along with cessation of diplomatic relations GROG announced a nationwide boycott on trade with the American Empire. The Yundex, Grigovia's premier stock exchange, rallied moments at the announcement as local business scrambled to strengthen its solid ties with markets in Asia and Africa. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

the people speak

10/20/2013

As part of its drive to rid itself of superfluous institutions, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia prepared to hold referenda during most of November in order to gauge its citizens' mood for sweeping societal change. “For months now, branches of the National Group to Reinstate Liberty (NGRL) situated around Grigovia have been scouring the most successful and most free cultures of past and present looking for methods to govern and regulate consensual human interaction in as unobtrusive a way as possible,” said Uontoyest Inndt, deputy director of NGRL. “After chewing over and filtering out those elements most likely to secure the Blessings of Liberty to the greatest number of people in a society, we are ready to present our findings to the Grigovian citizenry and allow them to decide how great a leap they are willing to take in their quest for freedom and equality.” Grigovia has shut down a number of its branches of government, among them most of the Taxation Bureau, the long-defunct Censorship Bureau, and the Bureau for the Control of Deadly Substances. Former government employees are receiving training to help them reintegrate into the civilian economy. Organs of government scheduled to stay open but slated for restructuring are the Department of Civil Defense, the Department of Education for Youth, and the Department of Bridges and Roadways. Citizens are invited to contact NGRL or comment on this article with additional suggestions for how it should proceed. Huzzah, and long live Liberty in the glory of gregarious Grigovia.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

currency recoupled

10/17/2013

Acting in the knowledge that currencies not pegged to physical media tend to be unstable and inflationary, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia started the process of coupling the yind to valuable and useful metals such as copper, platinum, and titanium. “During the Soviet occupation of our country from 1953 to 1988 our currency was enslaved to Russia's ruble,“ said Ridtgarst Youlendt, spokesman for the Grigovian Mint. “And from 1990 until 2002 the yind was tied to the United States Dollar. Since 2002 it has been pegged to the Euro, but in a referendum the Grigovian citizenry cried foul of this arrangement.” The recent discovery – in old 18th century iron mines located in the north-eastern Yiptlong massif – of large reserves of platinum and titanium led the Grigovian people to call for greater independence from foreign powers in things monetary and military. “Just this year we destroyed attempts by the Rothschilds to take over the Grigovian Central Bank, and we are actively thwarting efforts by the United States of America to overthrow our own democratically elected government,” said Dr. Eleinah Turyendt, state secretary of finance. “With wise and patient measures we are confident in our abilities to hammer out the details of returning to the gold standard.” The change should be completed by November 20th, Grigovia's second official national independence holiday during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.E. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian team deployed

10/15/2013

At the behest of the Arab League and with the intention of helping end the civil war in Syria, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia sent a highly decorated team of veteran negotiators to bring both sides of the conflict to the table. “In addition to the team of negotiators, other Grigovian teams will be helping to patrol Syria's borders in order to prevent more Saudi Arabian black operations teams from launching any more gas attacks against innocent civilians,” said Heirdoyesst Ont, head of Grigovia's Foreign Assistance Board. Experts expect the war in Syria to end only when American, British, and Israeli intervention in the internal conflict also ends.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

sister city selected

10/10/2013

To celebrate thirty years of mutually honoring true Liberty and independently perpetuating human dignity by keeping income distribution at an equitable level, the capital cities of Caracas and Grig today declared their sisterhood. “This is a fine day for the champions of human cooperation,” said Dr. Eoyast Duoryyist, mayor of Grig on the Yalung, while touring the South American capital in celebration of the event. “We look forward,” he continued, ”to receiving in mountainous Grigovia delegations of these beautiful, sun-tanned people, who will surely fall in love with the children of our land, just as we have fallen in love with the children of these shores.” Jacqueline Faria, who is the mayor of Caracas, Venezuela, uttered a similar sentiment, claiming: “History will not soon forget the bonds we have made here, the trust we have forged here, the love we have shared here – especially your love, Mr. Mayor of Grig.” When last seen, Dr. Duoryyist had become so smitten with a pair of willing and buxom twin peasant girls that the 72-year-old was following them around in the manner of a hopelessly enamored schoolboy.

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border location confirmed

10/10/2013

Even as it is tussling with Pakistan on its southeastern border, Afghanistan is celebrating its ongoing friendship with a small neighbor to the northwest, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia. “We recognize the continuing validity and current location of our border with Grigovia, and rejoice in the many years of peaceful prosperity we have shared together,” said Hamid Karzai, prime minster of Afghanistan, at an early-morning press conference in Herat. “Unlike the borders drawn by the cowardly British during the 19th Century, the delineating line that separates the Grigovian from the Afghani people runs exactly where we both agreed it should run during 1952's Regional Conference for Peaceful Prosperity – Central Asia.” After his speech, Karzai warmly greeted his counterpart from Grigovia, the newly-elected prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend.

“Thank you, brother Hamid,” said prime minster Velldoyend after waiting for a round of raucous applause to die down. “As one of the first female prime minsters in the history of Central Asia, I am overjoyed to be able to recommit to a future replete with peaceful cooperation and prosperous dealings between our two peoples. Together – that is, without any more undue and illegal meddling by foreign powers, especially the United States of America – we might yet after so many decades of hateful warmongering experience peace in these lands. Begone, Ynki invaders, and may you darken our common soils no longer.” To commemorate the occasion, the prime ministers signed a mutual trade and travel pact designed to increase and promote interaction between the Afghani and Grigovian peoples.

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on Grigovia's mummies

10/10/2013

Students of Central Asian history are celebrating the [re]discovery of vast burial and social complexes scattered throughout the heavily-wooded valleys of the towering Yiptlong massif. Bisecting the nation of Grigovia, the mountains have for millennia shielded the people who reside amongst their snow-capped peaks from enslavement, hunger, and want. With abundant rainfall in otherwise parched lands, a wealth of edible flora and useful fauna, and more deep, vine-choked woodland than most people would expect in a region lying so far above sea level (1600 meters, on average), it is little wonder that the ancestors of the modern Yaelong tribes settled here, and flourished. “Up until his death at age 97, my maternal grandfather would regularly lead me through mazes of tunnels reading the stories of the kings and queens of old that are carved into the stone walls of many of the subterranean halls. I shall gladly help decipher these pictographs and share what he shared with me,” said Erya Rovend, erstwhile leader of the Yaelong's Farflung Free nations and Grigovia's ambassador to the United Nations, who is currently living in South Dakota among the Lakota Sioux. “The proceeds from my newest book, 'A Yaelong Amongst Ynki,' will go to help to erect and operate a new visitor's center and to fund ecological and archaeological conservation efforts currently under way in the valleys of my youth .”

The sites, which include not only enormous mounds used for both burial and celestial reckoning but also entire cities made from quarried blocks the size of omnibuses, span dozens of square miles of what to the untrained eye resembles little more than dense forest. “We haven't seen anything this well-preserved from the ravages of history since the discovery of Teotihuacán, in central Mexico,” said Dr. Zynthia Weinbrenner, an archaeologist for National Geographic (Nat-Geo). “We felt that the time was right to share with the world the abundance and majesty of our forebears,“ said Duiro Vassd, leader of the Uloyindt branch of the First Peoples' Nation, a Yaelong tribe. “This is why we invited researchers, photographers, and writers from Nat-Geo into our sacred lands and guided them to sites spoken of only in myth by outlanders but celebrated and cherished in sung, verbal histories passed down to us from the time of Herodotus. We invite the world to come bear witness to another example of the artistic mastery and architectural cunning of bygone peoples.”

One [re]discovery likely to stand out is that of hundreds – if not thousands – of clay soldiers arranged in neat ranks around the 2nd Century tomb of King Leitho II, a feared ruler known even to Xerxes II, king of ancient Persia. Similar in scope to the terracotta figurines of Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huang Di, the Grigovian statues differ in that they were made using a clay rich in iron oxide, which should make locating them using x-ray and metal-detecting technology that much easier. “We know where to dig and what to dig for,” said Hu Lao-Xi, PhD., who has spent decades in his native Xian unearthing the armies of emperor Qin Shi Huang. “Therefore, we should be able to uncover more treasures more quickly than if the ancients had used a different base substance for their pottery.” Locals have little fear that outsiders will descend upon the area to rob graves or run off with hordes of ancient gold. “Not only is the terrain inaccessible to motorized vehicles, the great height and strong winds all but rule out airborne incursions,” said Thallandia Yündlennd, crown princess of Grigovia's now merely symbolic monarchy. “Furthermore, this region's ancient people stored their wealth in knowledge and art, not gold. Still, persons caught trying to smuggle treasures out of Grigovia will have their foreheads tattooed before answering to me.”

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Liberty shines anew

10/8/2013

Under the vigilant eye of the country's leading metallurgic and molecular chemists, and funded primarily by generous financial contributions from average Grigovian citizens, a small army of technicians has started to apply layers of non-toxic chemicals to the exterior of Liberty Enlightening the World. The American government had sold her to Grigovia after de-funding its Park Service, and since then the statue has been carefully resurrected on Free Spit (formerly Mad Spit, for the insane asylum once located there), an island that rises from the Yalung River in the heart of cosmopolitan Grig. “All we need now is a good hard rain,” said Dr. Fiyennd Gharszt, who designed the witch's brew being applied to Liberty's copper panels. Once activated by water, the chemicals will turn her golden once more, a flashing shining goddess for all the world to see. “The water-activated compounds bind to any piece of oxidized copper, loosening it from the substrate at the molecular level and allowing it to run down the supple folds of our lady's flowing robes, where it will collect in catchment basins at her feet,” said Eleinna Hyourst-Rahdt, a former molecular biologist and current volunteer who manages a portion of the donated funds. While it is inevitable that some of the runoff will enter the sparkling Yalung River, Dr. Gharszt was adamant that it posed a threat to neither flora nor fauna and that it would in no way negatively impact farms or wildlife downstream. “We have been testing these compounds for months,” he said, “and in every scenario, the bits of oxidized copper separated from the molecules to which they were bound shortly after the bonding took place, whereupon they settled to the ground and were absorbed into the sediment without a noticeable impact on river grass or fishes. As it meanders through the moraine field north of Grig the Yalung naturally picks up its of tin, gold, and copper; our meager contribution will hardly matter.” Renovations to Liberty Enlightening the World are scheduled to be completed in time for the second the Glorious Republic of Grigovia's yearly independence ceremonies, on November 20th, during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

blowback mechanism debuts

10/3/2013

Building on the success of its RPT line of personal defense weapons, the Pylta Regina Firearms Factory (PRFF) announced a new option for 2014. “RPT stands for Regina Pylta Terret, or Queen Pylta Terrorizes,” said Thendogarst Oiylyindt, chief operating officer of PRFF. “Our slogan is, 'Easy enough, even for grandmother.' For good reason, too: our weapons are designed so that most any Grigovian – from 12 year-old member of the League of Youth Defenders to 90 year-old matriarchal block commander – can pick one up and following simple instructions drop fools from two hundred yards in defense of the motherland.” Similar to a certain popular Russian firearm, RPT rifles are designed to fire even if filled with sand, rusted shut, frozen, wet, or dropped from a 2-story building. “Our newest feature we call delayed blowback,” said Poli Daryoust while she was field-stripping and reassembling the first RPT models to emerge from the production line. “After bullet is fired, some of gas produced is stored in a chamber in the butt of rifle. When shooter is ready for next round to be chambered, she thumbs this button here, which cycles spent round out and loads another. This makes rifle more accurate compared to when fired in semi-automatic mode – for sniping situations – but of course eliminates folding stock.” Fully automatic mode is available only in the military version of the rifle; civilian models feature semi-automatic, bolt-action, and delayed blowback. Visit PRFF's official company website for more details, and happy wastreling.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on the bloodthirsty Jailun

9/27/2013

(This excerpt is said to belong to a lost passage of Herodotus's book, the Histories, regarding the Yaelong tribes that reside in the country known today as Grigovia.)

And then, after the emissaries from the East had finally left, and while our party was preparing to make camp for the night, men dressed in strange garb – brightly mottled animal skins – stole silently from the brush, as if they were spirits. We had chosen the grounds to rest because they neighbored cool, flowing springs, and because they sat in a small valley that our native guide said would shelter us from the heavy, dangerous winds for which the region is known. As soon as these men appeared, our guides' women, who otherwise never spoke, wailed in unison, and, cowering fearfully, begged us not to touch them, lest, the women claimed, we become tainted by their strange and powerful sorcery. After much difficulty in finding a common tongue, we, however, were able to speak with these spirit-like men, who called themselves Jailun; they were interlopers just as we were, and had no plans to kill us for trespassing on sacred ground, as we had initially feared. They told us of their home in a mountainous region with many valleys that lay north of the lands of the Eastern emperor, whom they knew well, as he had tried, they said, repeatedly yet each time unsuccessfully, to subjugate them – first by warfare, then by bribery, and then by arranged marriages. Each time they had denied the emperor his advances, and stayed always free of the yoke of foreign rule – by warring with him, by refusing his gifts, and by putting to death the women he sent to live among them. While we were breaking bread with these quiet men, who were all armed with slender poles-axes and curious weighted throwing ropes, a male child – the son of a lesser guide – was carried off in the talons of a mighty eagle, and never seen again. All who had witnessed the event agreed that it was a bad omen, and a warning not to walk with a loping gait similar to that of the abducted child.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

on arming rebels

9/27/2013

The Grigovian government today issued a sharp rebuke of U.S. American efforts to sell arms to bands of Islamic extremist operating on the fringes of its western province of Tera Pyltannia, which borders Iran. Independent reports verify that operatives of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) have been working ceaselessly to provide weapons to a loose collection of tribesmen known as al Qusuf. Once allied with Grigovia's own indigenous Yaelong tribes, al Qusuf were expelled from the country after briefly instituting orthodox Sharia law back in the 1840s and subsequently abusing the rights of thousands of peaceful peasant women. “For nearly all of this region's recorded history, al Qusuf have been causing trouble,” said Dr. Ulantha Grossman, professor of Central Asian history at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “By all accounts, the members of al Qusuf are bad, dangerous people whose tools are repression, fear, and murder. The American government appears to be growing increasingly desperate in its attempts to destabilize the Iranian government prior to its impending violation of the latter nation's sovereignty. If this is how the Ynki spreads freedom and democracy, we want no part of it.“

Grigovian scouting parties recently captured dozens of rocket-propelled grenades as well as surface-to-air missiles capable of punching a modern fighter jet out of the sky, all of them stamped “Made In America.” Scores of individuals attempting to deliver these sophisticated weapons systems to contacts in the various al Qusuf militias were arrested, temporarily hobbled, and sent back to Washington with stern warnings against further unwarranted meddling. (In accordance with a longstanding national law, members of al Qusuf found within the borders of Grigovia are given the chance to flee; if they refuse, they are strangled to death.) “We have little control over how the American government treats the Iranians to our west or the Afghanis to our south,” said Pendogarst Ulyind, Lieutenant-Colonel of the Grigovian Border Defense Forces, from a network of well-provisioned caves somewhere in the mountains east of the Iranian-Grigovian border. “We as a people learned enough from being treated as a doormat for the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, however, to recognize clandestine foreign intervention for what it is – outright intrusion on our national sovereignty as well as a threat to regional stability.”

At least a dozen CIA operatives were carrying dossiers containing detailed information in languages familiar to al Qusuf about sites crucial to Grigovian infrastructure. “From the contents of these dossiers we conclude that U.S. American intelligence agencies are planning also to destabilize our own country's democratically elected government,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “My office has already begun to draft a binding United Nations resolution that aims to curtail Ynki activities here in Central Asia, and we are working with Russia Today and al Jazeera to draw attention to the fact that the U.S. appears to be arming forces hostile to Liberty and the rule of law in places beyond its own borders, which violates numerous international statutes as well as its own legal code.” The Glorious Republic of Grigovia shares more than a hundred kilometers of mountainous, largely inaccessible border with Iran. In recent years, the nation has resisted nearly a dozen ham-fisted attempts by American consortia and corporations to gain control over its vast resources of rare-earth minerals.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

dedication to truthfulness

9/26/2013

Having vowed whenever feasible to move in the opposite direction of the United States of America (USA), the government of Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) strengthened its commitment to speak the unadulterated truth to its citizens and to not use propaganda against them. “We feel it is necessary to keep our people informed, educated, and alert,” said Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, prime minster of GROG. “When the USA ended its ban on lying to its citizens in order to spread and maintain the stranglehold it keeps on their hearts and minds – partially through the use of fluoride in drinking water and a steady supply of willpower-sapping cheap sugars and fats – we and other nations in the Confederacy of Liberated and Free Nations immediately took steps to assure our respective citizenries that we shall do our utmost to protect their trust and uphold Virtue rather than attempt to mislead them and actively destroy everything we once proclaimed to hold dear.” By ceasing its fledgling attempts to enact Justice, the government of the USA has become just another petty tyranny, joining the ranks of Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, and Pinochet's Chile.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia seeks help

9/24/2013

Realizing suddenly the extent to which it has been acting counter to the goal of enabling its citizens to live in Liberty and foster it amongst themselves, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) announced a nationwide voluntary reeducation campaign. Additionally, the country is taking steps to shut down all ministries and public functions but those absolutely necessary to maintain the country's infrastructure, keep her people healthy, and provide for the safety of her borders and sovereign ground. Former government employees are being offered no-cost vocational training before being reintegrated into the private sector. (Grigovians not currently working for the government are invited to also attend vocational training of their choice so long as they make a firm commitment and show up for class on time.) Most of the funding for these measures will come from the sale of massive stores of conflict-free rare earth minerals stockpiled over the last decade by the Ministry of Natural Resources. Return To Liberty (RTL), as the campaign is being called, is expected to cost in the billions of euros, although, after it has taken affect fully, taxes will drop into the single digits nationwide. RTL is the brainchild of Grigovia's prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, her cabinet, and a number of privately funded think-tanks, among them Grigovians United for Freedom (GUFF) and Central Asians Realizing Liberty (CARL). Physical copies of F.A. Hayek's book the Constitution of Liberty are available for pickup at all local police stations as well as for download on the prime minister's website. RTL passed both houses of the Grigovian parliament with little debate and much applause. Thallandia Yündlennd, crown princess of the Grigovian quasi-royal house (a symbolic order costing less per year than the price to replace a few manhole covers) welcomed the move, saying: “The House of Yündlennd applauds the decision of the fine people of this land to shed the last vestiges of misguided intellectualism. My grandfather, who abdicated shortly after the Great Depression out of protest over reactionary measures being enacted at that time would be proud.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

hostel system upgraded

9/22/2013

In an attempt to make the country more attractive to travelers of all income levels, including those of modest means, the Grigovian Ministry of Hospitality recently announced Operation Come Here & Stay, a comprehensive drive to modernize the nation's cottage hospitality industry. The efforts include renovations to the scores of low-cost hostels that dot this small, land-locked Central Asian nation as well as a continuation of the popular Pay-A-Day-And-Play-Away discount plan that has allowed budget-minded individuals to make use of the country's robotic, biodiesel-powered regional bus service. “We want vibrant and wanderlustig people to come here and spend time hiking in the towering Yiptlong Massif, wandering in the trackless wastes of the eastern deserts, and exploring the massive tunnel network that underlies Grig, our capital,” said Hennda Goryist, deputy Minster for Foreign Relations and the mistressmind behind the new system. “Operation Come Here & Stay will provide all interested persons with access to efficient public transportation and clean, safe housing in all of our cities, from Pyltagrad in the west to Gar Nuuzsh in the east. So please, people of the world, come here, have a look around, and stay.”

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yoga for all

9/22/2013

In a series of sweeping reforms to its national health-care system, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia made restorative, health-oriented yoga available to all of its citizens. “We tried out the Ana Forrest system of yoga,” said Ulannda Findoyest, deputy Minster of Health and native Pyltagradian, the city where the landlocked Central Asian nation's love affair with this ancient practice began. “It [Forrest yoga] focuses on retraining the individual to breathe deeply and loving into the body and aims to help the person gain the tools necessary to conquer past abuse, addictions, sadness, and fear,” she said while standing in Reverse Warrior II pose and sweating healthily. A thousand Grigovians hit hardest by the ongoing world economic crisis are being put to work building sweat-lodge-yoga-friendly rooms into the hundreds of public health facilities that dot this forward-thinking land.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥