[americanifesto - 場黑麥 - jpr - urbanartopia - whorphan]
The world is fine, nothing is burning, white extremists aren’t returning, all is well in every town, our president is not a clown.
[americanifesto - 場黑麥 - jpr - urbanartopia - whorphan]
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Spewing endless lies
Is not a character flaw: It’s a power play [ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] Following the arrest of failed European-American (i.e. ‘white’) terrorist Michael Christopher Estes, who allegedly planted a homemade bomb at the Asheville Regional Airport in North Carolina on 6 October 2017, outdoor goods manufacturers are reporting that backpacks are flying off the shelves. “We are overjoyed that the bomb was removed before it harmed anybody,” said a spokesperson for REI, whose equipment was used by the alleged domestic terrorist. “Furthermore, we’re moving Traverse 70 packs like hot-cakes.”
Numbers are also up for the sellers of glass jars, fuel oil, nails, duct tape, and polymer spoons. Although it is often quick to condemn acts by brown-skinned individuals, the regime of fake president D.J. Trump has not issued a single comment or tweet regarding the allegedly terroristic acts and intentions of Michael Christopher Estes, whose skin is the color of an unripe peach. americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan In an apparent attempt to appease the sex offenders in his base, fake U.S. president Shrimp issued a pardon for serial rapist and child molestor Jeffrey Dahmer, the Milwaukee Cannibal, who died in 1994. “I wish Jeff were alive today,” said Shrimp, who signed the pardon while surrounded by affluent fake pastors and televangelists, some of whom had themselves been convicted of various sex-related offenses. “He was so efficient and good at what he did I’d probably appoint him to tackle Child Welfare, or something. I don’t know.”
Pundits worry that fake U.S. president Shrimp lost his mind long ago and is now merely copying a senile old racist he saw on a TV show during the 1970s. americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan The Grigovian Self-Liberation and Defense Forces (SLDF) proudly announced the formation of its first Ynki Transgender Brigade (YTB) composed primarily of skilled warriors fleeing persecution by the fake president of the United States of America. Their official welcoming ceremony was hosted by all three presidents of the Grigovian national people’s assembly, each of whom is directly elected to an eight-year term by a majority of eligible voters.
Members of the YTB are undergoing extensive combat, language skills, and vocational training to help them transition to their new roles as Guardians of the Yiptlong Massif. Housed among local citizens in an effort to help them learn the customs followed by and duties expected of the average Grigovian, members of the YTB will serve in various roles, among them counter-terrorism, electronic warfare, counter-imperialism, counter-espionage, territorial defense, and bi-monthly community service. “We’re overjoyed to embrace individuals who wish to serve the public welfare but are forbidden to by short-sighted and hateful policies enacted by a petty and misguided bumwad,” said Lieutenant General Dr. Yosephin T. Ignesh, commander of the Foreign Born Warriors relations for the SLDF. “As the text on the base of our statue Liberty Enlightening the World puts forth, we live according to the notion that ours is a land where the poor, the hungry, the tired masses yearning to breathe freely can finally find refuge, hope, peace, and purpose. Transgender persons are always welcome in the Grigovia armed forces.” Arriving Ynki expressed optimism about serving a nation that has never invaded another sovereign state to support corporate profits. americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”
After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing. A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir. [This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.] americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ᛘᖵ␣🜃ꗝ]且ᚒ⧮ᚒ且[ꗝ🜃␣ᖶᛘ
with Liberty and Justice for all but special treatment for the president’s friends - read no American document ever Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”
J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.” Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.” americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan The first wave of persons fleeing political and societal oppression in America has arrived at Krukov International Airport outside cosmopolitan Grig. Seeking asylum from the heavy-handed and anti-democratic policies being enacted by the administration of D.J. Trump, the former Ynki gladly relinquished their citizenship and took up oaths of freedom and responsibility under as well as loyalty to the Glorious Republic of Grigovia.
With cries of joy in their throats, the new citizens immediately moved into the well-maintained communal housing option of their choice. After a stroll in one of downtown Grig’s many public parks, they enrolled in classes designed to help them understand their latent artistic or creative potential and harness it to make their world a better, brighter, and more beautiful place. When asked what they missed most about America, the emigrants responded, overwhelmingly, with: “Little.” americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan The Office of Weights and Measures closed its doors today after many years of exemplary service ensuing equity between buyers and sellers. The federal agency stopped functioning due to budget cuts imposed by the administration of Donald J. Trump, cuts that seemed to specifically target such agencies and offices that act as middlemen between consumers and producers. “What a glorious day it is today, now a few days after my birthday, which was last Tuesday,” said Mr. Trump while signing the paperwork that halted funding for the Office and others like it. “No longer shall draconian Washington insiders dictate to the American how much milk can be in a gallon, or how many inches should be in a yard. Now, the people can decide for themselves what’s right, and true.”
Over the past weekend, an ungodly mass of black cumulonimbus started gathering above Washington, D.C. Arriving primarily from the South and Midwest, the floating harbingers of portend rumbled and shook, threatening to shatter the last vestiges of Ynki democracy. Their first casualty was the formerly independent Office of Congressional Ethics, a body that once served to reduce corruption in the Senate but that now lies stricken, and dying. Next, the ill winds aim to destroy the protections put in place by the Constitutional Emoluments Clause, allowing a narcissistic kleptocrat to assume the country’s highest post. After these crimes are committed, the swirling heaps of rotten air will ramp up their assault on America’s minority groups - among them persons homosexual, sick, and poor. Scientists studying the clouds indicate that only the dazzling of light of unbridled Truth might scare off these thunderheads, allowing Liberty and Justice to once again shine down on the struggling masses yearning here to be free.
© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑 She was appalled by the seas of ‘Stump for President’ flags she had seen flying through the bus’s windows as she made her way through the small towns of central New Jersey. Erya Rovend had studied history and read or watched every snippet she could find featuring this ‘red’ candidate. In Grigovia under Soviet occupation, ‘red’ candidates had been party hardliners with little concern for the needs of the common man, hardliners who worked to make themselves and their friends rich at the expense of the rest of society. The Ynki, it seemed to her, were too falling for one of the oldest tricks in the oldest of books; they were enamoured with a supposed outsider who voiced simple solutions to complex problems, one who seemingly obscured or denied the truth about his shadowy past in order to win over the hearts and minds of simple people yearning for a better life. A charismatic and quick talker, Stump appeared to be gaining ground no matter how brash and offensive his statements, no matter how checkered and criminal his life had been, previously. ‘A flock of sheep will follow the strongest ram, even if he is a rapist asshole,’ she thought to herself as the bus pulled up to its assigned berth in downtown Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Erya retrieved her backpack and headed into town, distracted by the comparisons her brain was making between candidate Stump and Romania’s Nicolae Ceausescu, Italy’s Benito Mussolini, and a previous Ynki president, Lyndon Johnson. Each of these eventually brutal and oppressive dictators had taken power on promises of moderation and restraint but had quickly turned autocratic, their fascist policies of military intervention overseas and at home needlessly staining the good Earth with blood. It was still relatively early in the day, and so after checking in at the Grigovian Traveler’s mission and dropping off her bag, she walked over to the buildings in which the Declaration of Independence was housed. There, she wept upon reading the list of reasons that had compelled the supporters of that now-marginalized text to fight for freedom. To her, each reason in that list was something the Ynki regime had been doing to its own and to foreign people since shortly after the ink was dry on its Constitution. ‘The Ynki has come full circle,’ she thought; ‘he is the tyrant he once aimed to oppose, a belligerent beast that violates the principles he once held high, no better than the worst of mankind’s worst oppressors.’ Out of apparent motherly concern, a middle-aged woman sidled close to her, offering her a tissue. “It’s terrible, isn’t it,” the woman said, her dark-brown skin glowing under the bright lights illuminating the Declaration, looking over at the text and releasing a deep sigh. “Let it out, darling. We’ve been fighting for so long we don’t know what peace even feels like, anymore.” Erya sniffled, wiped tears from her cheeks, and said thank you. The older woman nodded in response, walked confidently out into the gathering gloom of a rainy Pennsylvania afternoon, and disappeared into the passing crowds. © JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥 The Grigovian Office of External Affairs this morning announced an expansion of its immigration efforts geared toward Americans who are now (or will soon be) seeking political asylum from the upcoming reign of president-elect Ronald Stump. A candidate long on promises but short on policy, Stump - who rose to power on a gravy-train of petty but virulent white supremacy - appears to pose a threat to independent freethinkers such as journalists and artists as well as to women seeking the right to make decisions about their own bodily health. “Grigovia welcomes Ynki who desire to live in peaceful freedom and cooperative prosperity in a country that values and safeguards their liberty,” said Dr. Uoudya E. Eiyouust, head of the Parliamentary External Affairs Committee and architect of the expanded efforts. “In our Glorious Republic is room for individuals seeking to think as they see fit, who desire to write what they decide is best to write, who wish to be respected regardless of their gender or sexuality. Our integration and employment infrastructure provides immigrants with language classes, transitional housing, job placement assistance, and much more so that new arrivals can start enriching and enlivening our economy and culture instead of languishing in the shadows of pariahdom. If a Stump presidency scares you, friend Ynki, please consider Grigovia when making emigration plans. Our doors stand open.” For more information visit your nearest Grigovian embassy.
© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥 In a long-hoped-for gesture of respect for the existence of more than four million people, Mr. Barack Obama today officially recognized the State of Palestine. “For an ancient and proud people such as the Palestinian people to be forced into massive open-air prison camps and kept there without access to the infrastructures we’ve come to recognize as those necessary to live a fulfilling human life, that is a tragedy that defies the kind of basic decency we look for in one another,” the president said from amidst rows of frost-tipped roses planted near his residence. Speaking just after the crack of dawn on 8 November 2016 - election day, in America - Mr. Obama went on, saying. “I mean, people in positions of power here in the U.S.A. started calling the terrorist organization known as Daesh ‘Islamic State’ after those murderous thugs had been around for only a couple years and captured themselves a city or two.” At this point, the president chuckled, shaking his head and looking down. “And here we have the Palestinians, who’ve been living in the Middle East since biblical times, and for seven decades I and the presidents who came before me have not once recognized the right of Palestine to exist - nay, the right for it to be recognized as a state? And for what? So that religious zealots of a different stripe can occupy land and build settlements on that land with impunity and in stark violation of international law? If we can bring ourselves to call Daesh 'Islamic State’, then we can bring ourselves to refer to the self-organized people living in Israel’s concentration camps by-the-sea as the State of Palestine. It’s that simple.”
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