© americanifesto / 場黑麥
As part of its nation-wide efforts to improve the health and well-being of its inhabitants, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced the reopening of the Lower Eastern Yiptlong Hot Springs & Baths (LEYHS&B). Shuttered shortly after Grigovia's independence – in 1988 – from the Union of Soviet Socialist States, LEYHS&B sat dormant and neglected until 1994. Then, a group of private investors conspired with the Grigovian Ministry of the Interior to not only restore the Art -Deco-style bath houses to their former glory but also tap the region's geothermal capacity to provide heating and electricity to the baths and some neighboring communities. At one time closed to all but the most well-connected cadres of the former Soviet regime, LEYHS&B is now accessible to citizens and tourists via Grigovia's robotic bus system. (Buses depart regularly from the town square in Eiyehrdo Ghassdt, a proud village that lies about halfway between Grig and the eastern city of Gar Nuuzsh.) Famous for wide pools of swirling hot waters as well as frigid dipping basins, visitors to LEYHS&B can now enjoy also a full spectrum of spa treatments that include world-class massages, Finnish-style sauna, archery and martial arts lessons, and guided horse-back or hiking tours of the majestic Eastern Yiptlong massif. Expect stunning views of the Great Dune Sea as well as many happy times with your friends and loved ones at our beloved Hot Springs & Baths. Be sure to visit the adjacent Happy Times Smoking Lodge, where all manner of combustible leaves, tars, and saps from around the world are available for purchase and consumption. Come soon, please, and relax.
© americanifesto / 場黑麥
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Where will my blogs go once I stop updating them fifty years from now? And where will they go if the Interweb stops working, crashes, or is wiped out by virus or alien invasion? When elephants feel death approaching, researchers say they often remove themselves to secret areas littered with the bones of their pachyderm forebears, graveyards piled high with the massive skulls and valuable tusks of these smart, lumbering beasts. My blogs, I fear, are not much different: when their time is up and their duties have been served, they will either retreat quietly into the digital forest, randomized clusters of ones and zeros waiting to be re-born as a toddler's social media account, or they will sink forever into the shiny black carapace of some server tower humming away dutifully in the climate-controlled warrens of any one of countless South Asian server farms.
gri All the writing this author posted on those blogs will be gone if they themselves go: there are no hard copies of his body of work; no printed copies of the Grigovian fairy tales he composed; no tactile versions of the vituperative barbs he hurls at politicians and powerful persons alike; his legacy is 50% ethereal and 49% vacuous, and the few items that do exist for real resemble the ruined detritus of a foolish nonce who cowers in the dark shadows of the past while cursing the skies for making thunder and sending rain. No, his artistic effort will vanish when the systems crash, when the sky-brothers return for gold and human women, or upon the Singularity, whichever comes first, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Huzzah. mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 In the face of both non-existent demand for its product as well as a lack of nefarious dealings in-country about which to write, the Grigovian branch of the News of Today ceased operations. A British paper that specializes in hyping up scandal and reporting the world's celebrities, News of Today's owner, Randall Winsloam Cunningham III, conceded economic defeat. “The people of Grigovia mind their own business,” Cunningham said. “They care about things such as beauty and self-respect; they live according to rules of honesty and competence written in no book, codified in no proclamation, but stemming from good parenting and a dedication to be a sound-minded and proud people. We tried our best, but we just can't seem to sell them images of dolled-up celebrities or candy-floss reports of the latest trends in pop culture.” Upon hearing the news, ten score Grigovian teenage girls immediately signed up for wilderness survival training.
© americanifesto / 場黑麥 Last week, a group of researches working for the Grigovian Historical and Genealogical Society (est. 1844) discovered a cache of documents buried away in the dustier vaults of the Dusty Vaults section of the Great British Genealogical Society's satellite branch, in Sedgwick. Reports indicate that the papers include dispatches from the Yündlennd royal family to other heads of state, finding generated by the now defunct Pan-Grigovian League of Exploration and Discovery, and detailed accounts of societal and economic developments occurring at the time in Europe, America, Africa, and Asia. While all of the documents are sure to generate years of study and outbursts of exuberant wonder, one item – written by eminent explorer Uudyesst T. Muirgon while he was searching for the source of the Congo River – says, simply: “We have found the center of no-where. It is quiet here, and lovely.”
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 As part of its efforts to employ all citizens capable of contributing to national economic fortitude, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today the formation of three Fingerless Brigades, i.e. the Company of the Watchers. Made up of men and women who had lost so many fingers (due to frostbite, industrial accident, animal attack, and what-have-you) that they were having trouble locating gainful employment in other sectors, these digit-down discerners will be tasked with making sure that a city's Qi is positively aligned as well as looking for stuck or confused lines of energy within their fellow citizens. “Basically,” said Dr. Heimowel Gherryest, deputy minister of Sightless Seeing, “these digitally challenged individuals will look for things that cannot be seen with the eye and hear for things that cannot be heard with the ear – to maintain a close connection with Spirit and help those of us who have fingers return to a state of inner calm and personal bliss.” Citizens are asked to keep being kind to confused-looking individuals, to keep greeting people they meet in dark and lonely places, and to keep live their lives in virtuous and effortless productivity. Huzzah.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 The Glorious Republic of Grigovia made history today by fielding the first transgender cosmonaut in the history of manned spaceflight. Dr. Gieryust Hamel, 42, of the Western State Institute of Astrophysical Studies in Pyltagrad, shall ascend to the International Space Station with the next scheduled Soyuz flight. Once there, the good doctor will study piezoplastic materials in low gravity. “I'm really going to miss my bi-curious partner while in space,” Gieryust said, “but I'm not too worried, because with so many fit bodies crammed into such tight quarters, there should be plenty of tail to go around.” Dr. Hamel is not the first transgender being sent into space: rumors have surfaced indicating that Laika, the Muscovite mutt, spent time exclusively with other bitches.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 In a calm and business-like parliamentary maneuver, every last minister and elected official with voting rights in the general assembly of the Glorious Republic Of Grigovia voted to extend political asylum as well as full citizenship to one Edward Snowden, the brave young man who exposed the cruelty of Ynki imperialism and outed Barack Hussein Obama as one of the worst American presidents on record. In the official statement released shortly after the vote, a united Grigovia said (referencing, of course, the book Catch 22 by Joseph Heller): “Qui ils sont les Snowdens d'antan? Well, Snowden is fucking here, maybe hiding in the vasts tunnels under Grig, maybe holed up in the deep caves that dot the Yiptlong massif, and he's not going anywhere – not to Guantanamo Bay nor to the purple plains of misery – so fuck off, Ynki scum, and leave this hero of Libertie and Free Speech alone.”
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Abdul Hazim Ishumayal, 34, started life in a refugee camp in the Gaza Strip. His parents were loving and kind, his father a baker and his mother a nurse; they were killed during an Israeli clearing raid while sleeping in their beds, blasted to pieces by a trigger-happy teenager who to this day is plagued by the images of their slaughter. At the time of their deaths, Abdul Hazim had been visiting his aunt and uncle in the West Bank, poor people who could not afford to keep him and raise him as their own. He was sent to an orphanage, but while making his way to it the building was bombed, and destroyed. Then – thank Allah – a member of one of Grigovia's Roving Hospitality Teams of Magnanimous Mercifulness heard of the young boy's plight and arranged to have him housed in Grig's own Home for Children Orphaned by Imperialistic Warmongery.
Abdul Hazim thrived in his new home, excelling at maths and languages and showing from early on a propensity for political dexterity. (It is rumored that he once talked a pack of rabid hooligans out of pummeling him and into giving him a lift in their jeepney all the way across town to his favorite bakery.) He spent his teenage years in Germany, attending the Dr. Frederik Meyer Gymnasium für Fortgeschritte Mathematik in Nürnberg and graduated 2nd from the top of his class. Thereafter, he studied at the acclaimed Teknikskol in Arhus, Denmark and at the Polytechnical Institute for Game and Numbers Theory in Houston, Texas. Having seen enough of the rest of the world, Mr. Ishumayal returned to his old neighborhood in Grig, moving into a modest flat a few blocks from the orphanage where he was housed as a child. Now, he splits his time between volunteering with various local charities, working on his doctoral dissertation (he is providing – in painstaking detail - a half-dozen possible solutions to the Goedel Paradox), teaching at the Ɣȅrȡȫҩӑsɀt (Grigovia's premier institute for mathematical study), and hiking with his girlfriend, UN-embassador Erya Rovend. The people of Grigovia thank Abdul Hazim for his kindness, his gentleness, his passion, and honor him as one of their own, a native son born abroad. Huzzah! mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Today, 11 June, is the First of Seven Days of Grigovian National Celebration. The country would have like to celebrate some form of independence, but since it was never subjugated by invading hordes, nor was it ever enslaved by conquering army – by no one, not warlord Alexander the Great, emperor Xerxes II, the Ottoman Empire, the British Empire, the 3rd Reich, the Soviet Empire, nor more recent attempts by bannermen of Ynki imperialism – it simply chose a day at the onset of the summer months during which time everyone could let hair down and romp in hay. A rumor has surfaced claiming that on this day in the 13th century King Krukuv the Watchful dug his first tuber-hole (which is manifest even today as the leagues of tunnels that crisscross under Grig, the nation's capital), but none of the ancient text can corroborate this story, which is of no concern to Grigovians, who party whenever they feel like it and ask kindly that foreign powers stop pestering them.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Tschuirff, the local Grigovian delicacy made using acorn flour, ground czabtyip leaves, and curried goose meat, was today officially named the national pastry of this small, Central Asian nation. “It's just fucking delicious,” said Erya Rovend, erstwhile leader of the Farflung Free Nations of the greater Yaelong tribespeople and Grigovia's emissary to the United Nations, while scarfing down at least three of the small but filling pastries. “I've been staying in New York for the last three months, and I've eaten at all the good Thai restaurants a million times; there's just nowhere outside of the Yiptlong massif to get good mountain sharpstand leaves, so this, friends, is fucking heaven.” As of press-time, there are no plans to export tschuirff, so persons interested in tasting it are heartily invited to come to Grigovia, stay of a while, drink of the good cheer, and revel in egalitarianism.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Gathering for the third time in the the Queen Pylta the Terrible Hotel's Grand Ballroom and Conference Suites, representatives of indigenous tribes from around the world met in in beautiful cosmopolitan Grig. “We are happy to be here again,” said U'u'tkik Bainbridge of the Greater Inupiaq Confederacy, an organization of Native Canadians. “As are we,” said Jerry Whitefoot of America's Western Plains Sioux while patting U'u'tkik on the shoulder affectionately; “it is not often that leaders and elders of Mother Earth's aboriginal groups can come together in such welcoming and safe surroundings.” The Queen Pylta the Terrible Hotel has received the highest structural integrity ratings from the United Nation's own Architectural Security Bureau, the only hotel in Central Asia built to such exacting standards. “During the Soviet occupation of this land, we used to have to meet here in relative secrecy,” said Ooundyesst Rovend, leader of the Nearflung Free Nations of Grigovia's own indigenous Yaelong tribes. He pointed at a group of individuals dressed in the manner of Native Siberians, saying, “and I remember planning guerrilla actions against our Socialist oppressors with those ladies and gentlemen over there, although we shelved our insurrections once the Poles toppled the Russians with their Solidarity campaign.” In addition to frequent exhibits of martial prowess and numerous prayer sessions and chanting circles, the event included scores of areas where basket-weaving and drum-making and similar Native practices were being taught. The highlight of Natives Gathering in Modern Grig (or NGMG) was the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples, where attempts were made to hammer out a unified platform on the following topics: stabilizing and promoting harmony between all races, and all sexes; securing and protecting mineral and resource rights for the world's Aboriginal populations; supporting independence movements among First People nations; and preserving native cultural heritage through schooling of the young and promotion among all ages of traditional methods of procurement, dress, speech, and artistic expression. “I am eternally grateful to the Grig'v'an Ministry of Culture, which subsidized and helped plan the travel arrangements for me and the other economically-challenged Native Persons,” said Daniel O'ouloungo of the North-Bank Hawettha, a Congolese indigenous group. “What a beautiful thing is cooperation.”
© americanifesto / 場黑麥 Following Germany's courageous decision to award its highest whistle-blower prize to Edward Snowden for his willingness to expose tyrannical and unjust actions perpetrated by the federal government of the United States of America, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced it would select for Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award (OCLA), an annual recognition ceremony. Entities that win this prestigious prize receive asylum anywhere within Grigovia's borders, the right to stay and be freely productive in any of Grigovia's fine cities, as well as two kilograms of 14 karat gold or a two-acre plot of land in the foothills of the Yiptlong massif, which lies north of Grig, this small, landlocked nation's capital. Among the selections for this year's OCLA prize are America's Edward Snowden, China's Ai Weiwei, Bolivia's Evo Morales, the children of Occupied Palestine, and the inhabitants of Egypt's port cities along the Suez canal. “2013 has been a good year for the fight against tyrannical overreach,” said Eyohwah Thrask-Ullyennd, chairwoman of Eastern Grigovian University's department of social upheaval and revolutionary studies who sits on the board that makes the final decision on who will receive OCLA. She continued, saying: “So long as there are individuals and groups who will risk Life, Liberty, and sacred Honor to safeguard the freedom of others, standing up to the oppressive and violent regimes under which so many people around the world silently suffer, there is hope for mankind. With the Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award, we aim to encourage people to keep demanding of their governments upstanding and just behavior and to keep exposing injustice and corruption wherever these twin evils should raise their ugly heads.” Reports indicate that the Grigovian people danced in the streets upon hearing about OCLA.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 To celebrate thirty years of mutually honoring true Liberty and independently perpetuating human dignity by keeping income distribution at an equitable level, the capital cities of Caracas and Grig today declared their sisterhood. “This is a fine day for the champions of human cooperation,” said Dr. Eoyast Duoryyist, mayor of Grig on the Yalung, while touring the South American capital in celebration of the event. “We look forward,” he continued, ”to receiving in mountainous Grigovia delegations of these beautiful, sun-tanned people, who will surely fall in love with the children of our land, just as we have fallen in love with the children of these shores.” Jacqueline Faria, who is the mayor of Caracas, Venezuela, uttered a similar sentiment, claiming: “History will not soon forget the bonds we have made here, the trust we have forged here, the love we have shared here – especially your love, Mr. Mayor of Grig.” When last seen, Dr. Duoryyist had become so smitted by a pair of willing and buxom twin peasant girls that the 72-year-old was following them around in the manner of a hopelessly enamored schoolboy.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 In solidarity with Bolivia (see here) and other countries that actively care for the health of their citizens, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today it will ban unhealthy fast food. The country has set aside a portion of next year's expected export duties to buy back retail locations owned by chain restaurants such as MacDoorknob's and Bugger Cling and turn them into Centers for Communal Creativity, Activity, & Defense (CCCAD). This newest action against the incessantly creeping forces of corporatized cultural degradation was approved by a large majority of voters during the General People's Decision of 2012, a directly-democratic electoral process similar to the Swiss model during which the Grigovian citizenry decides how to shape its own future. “From now on,” said Orgyast Heidoyiest, deputy Minster of Cultural Affairs in the country's lower of two houses of parliament, “Grigovia will no longer foster the model of conglomerated chain food factories that answer to a board of well-to-do, hard-nosed foreign executives whose primary goal is to increase their own wealth and the stock returns of their rich investors.” The culinary world celebrated the news. “Finally, we are ridding ourselves of the faceless corporate leeches,” said Xi Hong-Deng, a naturalized Grigovian citizen and part owner (with his wife) of Feng Fang Fong, which serves locally sourced Pan Asian cuisine. “Now we can start the process of healing the children of this land using healthy and nutritious foods made with love and dedication instead of poisoning their little bodies with preservative-laden slop engineered to make them addicted to sugar-packed milkshakes, mechanically-separated chicken pucks, and lard-dipped strings of starchy potato-like product.” Critics argue that Grig's own culinary specialty, called tchuirff, a pastry made with acorn flour, goose meat, and sharp curry, is on average higher in calories and fat than nearly any single item on the menu at the leading fast-food chains, until they consider the long history of this local delicacy and the low levels of liver disease, diabetes, and heart disorders that existed before fast food was allowed to contaminate the guts of the Grigovian people.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Citing the actions of the community of Deer Trail in America's Colorado as its primary inspiration, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia banned weaponized and spy-equipped drones from its airspace. Henceforth, the only drones allowed in the skies above this small, landlocked Central Asian nation are those used by accredited and licensed organizations to search for and assist in the rescue of missing or imperiled persons. “In order to protect the privacy, lives, and rights of our citizens, we pledge to aggressively counter any attempts by imperialistic foreign powers – especially by the United States of America – to operate aircraft in our skies with the intention of maiming, murdering, spying on, or killing,” said Teyriyest Uscht, deputy Minster of Defense of the Sovereign Airspace. “Furthermore, we offer a reward of 75 units of your currency of choice for proof of a downed UAS (unmanned aerial system) – proof would include pieces of fuselage, sections of wing, or any other component that have distinguishing markings upon them.” Both Grigovia and Deer Trail encourage their citizens to proceed with diligence, patience, and ferocity, and to defend Liberty by actively fighting oppression.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 “Oh how he pines for me, my Eastern prince,” wrote princess Yahuala in her diary, of which but few pages remain intact. She is referring to Chagatai Khan, son of Genghis Khan, whom she and some of her handmaidens had discovered, bested, and captured. “Always sending gifts this way,” she continues, ”tiny songbirds chirping happily in intricate cages or curious beasts with tails at both front and rear, many of them not surviving the journey up and over the Krukuv pass. Against my better judgment, I keep them, and secretly cherish each one, hoping for his return and pining for the day when his fierce eyes will flash at me and his strong hands will spread me open once more.” On this public forum, the Grigovian Genealogical Society for Discovery and Exploration is loathe to post the rest of the excerpts, but suffice it to say that young Chagatai was quite skilled in the sexual arts and would soon return to cement the bonds between the Mongolian Empire and that of the Yündlennd royal family with a basket full of young cheetahs, a formal Entreaty to Marriage, and fertile loins.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Eschewing standard methods for raising and operating communications and weather-tracking satellites, Queen Pylta the Terrible University in the Glorious Republic of Grigovia is pioneering the use of micro-satellites. Funded and supported by both private and public organizations, including Grigovians for A Free Cosmos and the country's National Center for Atmospheric Studies, the program is on course to reduce the cost of fielding functional orbital gear by 90% and to decentralize access to space. Lifted into the heavens by helium balloons tethered together, 4 of 12 micro-satellites fold open to become broad sails made from an ultra thin, microwave-reflective and photon-absorbent material. Using toy-inspired manipulator arms, a LIDAR (Light Detection And Ranging)- and video-based guidance system, and open-source artificially-intelligent software, the other 8 micro-satellites pull themselves into place behind the surface of the sails. Ground-based emitters then bombard the sails with microwaves, pushing the cluster into near-Earth orbit. At this point, the 4 micro-satellites closest to the tethered balloons use shears to trim them loose and activate thrusters filled compressed gas to flip over the cluster so that the sails point (some of the time) toward the sun. The cluster's final step is for the 4 remaining satellites to run out communications antennae as well as sensors for measuring atmospheric conditions. In its initial testing phase, the program shows promise, although the system of shared intelligence – individual satellites contributing any available memory and processing power, sometimes even writing new algorithms, to help solve the puzzles they as a whole face – is still in its infancy. Long live these brave robotic cosmonauts!
© americanifesto / 場黑麥 Our czabtyip is famous, throughout many lands, we grow it right here with our own rough bare hands. The leaf it is potent, as salve food and drug, from fibers make clothing rope paper and rug. Smoke ferment or grind it, up into a paste, the sharpstand brings joy to the whole human race. The root when it's boiled can cure many ills, among them weak kidneys, sore-face, and the Chills. Don't give it to children, under age of eight, for they'll bound and leap then stay up way too late. Use it as you would use a cherished rare spice, or as a repellent of vermin, like lice. The czabtyip has been worth its own weight in gold, since nasty king Xerxes got timid, and old. It grows in moonshadow, where winds holiday, right next to first sunrise, on each Wednesday. Its powers are useful, to priest smith and king, no wonder all cultures its praises do sing. Please come now and pick some, be quick on the hip, rejoice in the uses of fine pure czabtyip.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 With little fanfare and less public fuss, princess Thallandia Yündlennd of Grigovia recently gave birth to healthy twin girls. The heiresses to the (perfunctory and largely ceremonial) royal house of this small, landlocked Central Asian nation were born in the wee hours of Saturday morning to the aforementioned princess and Reginald Augustus Steele, a U.S. born author, artist, and social critic who can trace his ancestry to the founding of the American republic. Now that his liaison with princess Thallandia has borne fruit, two of the world's strongest hereditary lines have merged: a Son of the American Revolution and direct descendant of the Founders of the Virginia Colony, Mr. Steele walks in Beauty, working tirelessly to safeguard Liberty; and Her Somewhat Royal Highness Ms. Yündlennd can trace her ancestry all the way back to wise old king Krukuv himself, who in the 14th Century married a fierce-eyed princess of the most powerful Yaelong tribe and later dug the first tunnels under now-cosmopolitan Grig. “It is good that so few people have taken notice of this event,” said a radiantly glowing princess Thallandia during an on-line video interview. “We are glad to have received only a handful of cards from well-wishers, and happy that we can go about our business without being hounded by hordes of paparazzi.” In the background of the high-definition video up-link, Reginald Steele, whose presence causes hearts to stir, nodded sagely while tending to his newborn children. Thallandia continued, saying, “According to a recent census, the Grigovian people tolerate the House of Yündlennd for the following reasons: we maintain traditions such as the monthly Celebration of the New Moon, which is also a national women's holiday; we live modestly and do not parade around in gilded coaches; we spend our time and resources advancing the causes of personal liberty, self-sufficiency, and world peace; and most of all because we stay out of politics and watch as the citizens of this fine land rule themselves through an efficient and direct democracy.” The twins – born in summer's heat – carry the names Shimur and Freya.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Sometimes they come as single briefs, and other-times in bundled sheafs, but mostly they – surprise! – arrive in urgent blinking emails, these screams and cries that all ask please, What is the fearless Banoyend? and, Where does it reside? The author hopes these simple words will banish fears and calm some nerves: the Banoyend it is all things, through all of time and everywhere! Each beast and live being, energy and force, each footstool and fungus, galaxy and host, all persons and planets, both thought and xenon – Banoyend is all things both here and beyond. It's what drives all forces, and puzzles all minds, most pregnant of silences, things left behind; it is intuition, and bravery bold, it is stunning beauty, and death's grip ice-cold. Some Western cultures call it god, some Eastern name it prana, but people of Grigovia do call their ken the Banoyend. But why a name so strange and wrong for something that's been here so long? Banoyend, the useful noun, has roots both in Greek and Grigovian. Ban stems from pan, Greek for all, encompassing; and yend stems from yendt (or yinnd, yennt), Grigovian for thing, person, or beast. So there it stands, for once and all, pray let the queries come to end, dare drink it in, with soul enthralled, this mighty, quiet Banoyend.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Loud strangers have come here, guest-houses to fill. We've reached the high summer, chased off the last chill. Oh come ye good people from wide and from far, to witness the bounty of all that we are. Grigovia beckons and opens her doors, to English and Chinese, to Cubans and Moors. The tables are heaped up with food drink and cheer, come lap up some czabtyip wine, spice-rum, or beer. Our women are fertile, our men they are strong, our wild beasts are fierce, and our days have grown long. The Yiptlong it beckons, with trails and sights both, so please come enjoy them, ask we your proud hosts. Resistance is futile, as is all delay, so book ye your travel, and stop by today. Your moods they will brighten, your spirits will lift, you'll let go of fearfulness, anger, spend-thrift. Please do come and join us, for our Sommer's fesst, we've worked all through Spring to make this one the best. You need not be wealthy, we're willing to share, so long as you smile wide and let down your hair. Enough of this riddle, these rhymes make me wince, please come, let us fête you, fair princess or prince. For time it is wasting, the nights will grow long, abandon your purpose, come join in this song. Huzzah!
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 Theirs is a society founded on strongly secular roots, but the Grigovian people do practice some forms of folk religion, a select few of which are examined here. First, and perhaps most widespread, is Sighting First Rays, a ceremony held every morning after the daily yoga practice in honor of the first shining tendrils of sunlight to grace the resplendent peaks of the towering Yiptlong massif. This ceremony consists of pausing one's actions, moving so as to be able to see the Yiptlong massif, and watching closely as its peaks are drenched in sunlight. Second-most widespread after Sighting First Rays is a ceremony known as Clarified Unity, in which one sits quietly for a certain amount of time in order to clarify the inner vision and unify the often competing energies of body and stomach and mind. A meditative custom, practitioners of Clarified Unity swear that it helps to reduce distress and worry and to lessen the ravenous cravings of addiction – including those involving food, sex, and self-mutilation. The third most widespread religious practice is Seeing Smallest Beauty, a process by which people look for symmetry in all things, even in those instances – death or destruction or illness – that other societies vilify. Seeing Smallest Beauty leads directly into Walking Beautifully; practitioners of these closely interrelated methods remain detached from the notions of honor and dishonor, profit and loss, benefit and harm, following rather the dictates of their hearts and acting in accordance with Universal patterns. The final belief system examined here is Honoring Good & Bad, a ritual that acknowledges the fickle whims of the Tunnel Pixies. Sometimes helpful and sometimes harmful, Tunnel Pixies are blamed not only for leading children miraculously unharmed out of caved-in sections of tunnel but also for having caused the cave-ins in the first place. Belief in these mischievous beings stretches back to at least the 15th Century, when Briny the Younger – Grigovia's preeminent medieval bard – sang, 'Here they pull on loose brick, and there they light the way, their moods are not for wondering, for these shift with each day.' Examined here are but a few of the customs of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia. Come visit, and discover more for yourself!
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 A vast, interconnected network of tunnels stretches underneath this bustling city of 1.75 millions of industrious Grigovians. In nearly every possible direction (except, generally, up) run an unknowable number of branches, tunnels, shafts, holes, pits, pit-falls, and dead-ends that are not mapped, well-ventilated, secured, water-tight, stable, or safe. While these tunnels are a boon to this metropolis that is bisected by the meandering, brownish-gray Yalung River, drawing tourists in search of mythical cities of the underworld, their great extent and sheer length have proven a nightmarish hindrance to every military force that has tried to take Grig during its nearly eight-hundred-year history.
Rolls of vellum discovered in a walled-off section of tunnel in the mid-1980s during construction of a Soviet-style housing block in Grig's Old City hint that the first tunnel may have been dug by Grigov the Watchful himself. The man in whose honor the nation is named, according to a new translation of these recently-restored vellum sheets, dug “a small recess in the larger mound by the four oak-trees so as to have somewhere to store all of these good and shapely tubers.” It is not clear from the ancient texts just what type of tubers he had obtained, but what may have started as a small recess now stretches from the banks of the Yalung to the very foothills of the Yiptlong massif itself. So extensive is this network, and so wide some of its larger tunnels, that it serves as bazaar, swap-meet, and marketplace for much of Grigovia's gray economy, which is suspected to be at least three times larger, and far more lively, than all of the country's above-ground, legitimate economic activity combined. Unconfirmed reports leaked by the U.S. State Department indicate that a majority of the fuel, mounts, firearms, provisions, and other such military gear that reaches the brave and heroic warriors of the various Yaelong tribes travels through the innumerable branches of this vast underground network of passageways. While the Yaelong tribes were known even to Herodotus, who mentions them in his book, the Histories, a reference to the country now known as the Glorious Republic of Grigovia first appears in a Pashtun census from the year 1256, which says, roughly, “Avoid traversing the north-western Yplyn mountains, as a fierce people led by a priest-king named Krykuv guard all passes there with great diligence.“ Grigovia's Ministry of Internal Information Gathering, or MIIG, in a recent statement broadcast via short-wave radio, has warned all foreigners – especially foolhardy Americans – that any and all attempts to take the city of Grig, or to invade Grigovia, are, because of the all of the tunnels, and due to Grigovians' inherent fierceness and proven ability to resist invasion, doomed to fail. The statement concluded with, “Do not even try, you stupid, imperialist, capitalist, Yankee swine, because we, and our cozy tunnels, are ready, and waiting. Do you remember Viet-Nam? Imagine everything brown and covered in snow, and children leaping at you with knives in their teeth.” 場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit Following the lead of Wisconsin, an American state that chose the lactobacillus as its official microbe, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently selected as its national bacterium the belliflorum argentii. Famous throughout Central Asia for its many roles, belliflorum argentii helps in the fermentation of czabtyip wine, tinges naturally-cured artisan paints and tattoo inks with a subtle silvery hue, and adds biting tartness to the fermented soft cheeses that are frequently sprinkled over tchuirff. (Tchuirff is a regional pastry made using goose meat, acorn flour, and red curry.) The bacterium grows best in the vast tunnel systems that run under the capital city of Grig, where it was first discovered and isolated. In humans, initial contact with high concentrations of unadulterated belliflorum argentii can cause mild-to-severe respiratory diseases as well as stubborn infections of the gastrointestinal tract. The bacterium is wholly Grigovian; it is not known to grow anywhere else. Under expert teacher supervision, each Grigovian child of school-going age shall add pertinent information regarding his nation's official bacterium to his text-books. Try tchuirff! Tour the catacombs of Grig! Book a trip to Grigovia, today. Please come visit us soon.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥 |
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